


Bring Back the Light in my Eyes

by Minty_Pixie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Car Accidents, Depression, Fluff (no I'm not joking), M/M, Romance, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-22 00:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14297292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minty_Pixie/pseuds/Minty_Pixie
Summary: Flashes of light.It somehow seems like Kyungsoo's entire life is just a series of that.And as always, it is in flashes of light burning way too bright behind his closed eyelids, that the memories come back.





	Bring Back the Light in my Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Written and posted on AFF back in August 2016
> 
> Now, seriously, read the tags...  
> For those who are still up for it...hope you'll enjoy !

_**March 24 th, 2016** _

  
Flash of light.

Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. Then opens them again.

In the gloomy afternoon, his black umbrella does little to nothing to shield him from the heavy downpour falling from the sky, clouds gathering in a dark grey blanket over the city as they open their flood-gates. Heavy damp swirls of wind mercilessly spin around him, viciously licking his already dripping face. His old sneakers are soaked, sinking in the soggy grass he stands on, his pale blue jeans turning as dark as his navy-colored hoodie with each raindrop ruthlessly hitting his body.

Kyungsoo doesn't mind.

He doesn't care.

Not anymore.

Thunder menacingly roars only two seconds later. The storm should be right above him very soon.

" _You're gonna catch a cold_ " he hears Jongin's soft low voice say in his head.

Kyungsoo gently scoffs. Jongin is probably getting drenched too. There is no way the roof of his new place is waterproof. It's so tiny.

He frowns.

Jongin doesn't like being cold. Kyungsoo is usually the one warming him up when he comes home rain-soaked, with hot chocolate, warm towels and cuddles, sometimes for hours, until Jongin's body stops shivering.

Or he was.

He isn't.

Not anymore.

Lightning strikes again, thunder alarmingly follows almost instantly, even louder than it was before. Kyungsoo's chest vibrates in rhythm with the growling bass sound.

He knows he should leave. Not that he has anyone to go back home to anymore. And not that he really care about actually getting sick.

But he has something important to do. And there is absolutely no reason or need postponing it.

Kyungsoo sighs and let his eyes wonder around him. He feels so alone. All those silent people around him, most of them just faceless names standing on the eerie hill, are doing absolutely nothing to fill the emptiness he feels deep inside of him. His whole body feels like a bare empty shell, devoid of any spark of life a murky shadow would've hungrily swallowed. Even Jongin, so near yet so far, despite being a mere three feet in front of Kyungsoo, stays just as sinisterly silent as everyone else, smile and gentle eyes brightening up his face in an unalterable and frozen look that is not reserved only for Kyungsoo anymore.

Kyungsoo tiredly smiles back at him.

" _I'm sorry._ " he whispers, only for the strong howling wind to hear.

Then he turns away and slowly starts walking down the hill.

When he reaches home, Kyungsoo doesn't bother switching the lights on. He makes a bee-line to their bedroom, his bedroom, and sits on the edge of the bouncy mattress, delicately putting down his backpack next to him.

He vaguely considers changing his wet clothes, eyeing the dark puddle they're creating on the white blanket but finally decides against it. It won't matter anymore in a moment. And Jongin has always loved when Kyungsoo was wearing that hoodie anyway.

He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes when a strike of lighting illuminates the ghostly dark room through the curtainless window.

Flashes of light. It somehow seems like his entire life is just a series of that. And as always, it is in flashes of light burning way too bright behind his closed eyelids, that the memories come back.

 

҉

 

_**January 13 th, 1998** _

  
Flash of light.

Five years old Kyungsoo closes his cute round eyes. Then opens them again.

The previously pitch-black room is now illuminated by huge fireworks candles sitting on two cakes floating towards him. The sparkles cast sharp shadows on his mom's and her friend's face as they slowly walk to the table Kyungsoo sits at.

Warm fingers timidly slips through his own, intertwining with his resting on his lap and he adverts his eyes from the captivating show in front of him to look at the little boy occupying the seat next to his.

Not even bothering to watch the dazzling candles throwing their sparks all around, Jongin's soft gaze is intensely focused on Kyungsoo's face. His tiny thumb is brushing soothing circles on the back of Kyungsoo's hand as he smiles gently.

Through all the voices, adult and children, singing the birthday song to them, Kyungsoo can't hear the boy's voice when he sees his lips moving. He frowns at him. He wants to hear what Jongin is saying to him. If only everyone would stop singing.

Jongin seems to understand Kyungsoo's struggle. His free hand reaches out and eases the plump wrinkle between Kyungsoo's eyebrows before he leans in, tugging him by the hand still warmly holding the older boy's.

Jongin's breath tickles Kyungsoo's neck when the little boy speaks against his ear, covering the off-tune singing surrounding them.

" _Are your eyes okay ?_ " he says, carefully enunciating the words.

His speech pattern sounds a little uncanny and stiff when he does that, but Kyungsoo doesn't point it out.  
He heard Jongin's mom lecturing the younger boy a few times a couple of months ago, requiring him to stop munching on the syllables if he wants people to understand what he says.  
Jongin has been extra careful since then, especially around Kyungsoo, explaining he didn't want the older boy to go through the trouble of asking him to repeat himself when Kyungsoo had inquired him why he was speaking so weirdly.  
Kyungsoo still doesn't see what was wrong with Jongin's speech before, himself being prone to skip a few syllables here and there when he speaks too fast. But since Jongin had merely brushed his concern with a cute smile and a shake of his head, his long bangs falling in front of his eyes, Kyungsoo decided to let him do as he pleased.

So despite the unnatural way the younger's words assemble, Kyungsoo choses to solely focus on their meaning. Without drawing back, he turns his head to face Jongin, their nose bumping with the action. Jongin stays still, his gaze glued into Kyungsoo's eyes, blacking out everything that his not Kyungsoo.

The older boy lightly nods, and the tip of his nose brushes up and down against Jongin's.

They stay a few seconds longer like that, Jongin's gaze seemingly searching hints of a lie into Kyungsoo's irises, since he is well aware the older boy's sensitive retinas are easily hurt by sudden bright lights, but finding none, he offers Kyungsoo his most adorable smile, his dark orbs almost disappearing behind his lower eyelids, before gently squeezing his hand and landing a little peck on Kyungsoo's chubby cheek.

A second later, everyone stops singing and the two boys' moms urge them to make a wish before blowing the candle.  
It doesn't take long for Kyungsoo to settle his mind.

Jongin's dad explained to them that a birthday wish is very important. He told them you only must wish what your heart desire the most, and that then, and only then, it will come true.

So Kyungsoo takes it very seriously.

He closes his eyes and only let one world – one name – swirl in his mind.

 _Jongin_.

He is not entirely sure it's the proper way to make a wish, but he doesn't know how to formulate it any other way.

So it seems as simple as that.

The boy sitting next to him is all he wants. He just wants to play with Jongin forever, to build cozy blanket forts in the fall and tilted snowmen in the winter, climb giant blooming trees in the spring and jump into the fresh pool during summer. Kyungsoo wants to stuff himself with delicious tteokguk, sitting next to Jongin on _Seollal_ , he wants to go to the zoo, the museum or the amusement park with the younger boy on Children's Day, he wants to stand next to Jongin while they both cheer for their dads during Ssireum's competitions on _Chuseok_ , he wants to sit under the Christmas tree with Jongin when they both open their neatly wrapped presents as the fairy light make the younger boy's orbs sparkle.  
Kyungsoo wants to spend all his Sundays snuggling with Jongin under his favorite fluffy blanket and watch Pororo on the giant tv in his house's living room. He wants to play cops and robbers in Jongin's backyard and have competitions to see who can run the fastest, jump the highest, shout the loudest, even if he more often than not lets Jongin win, because the boy is smaller and weaker and Kyungsoo cannot stand to see his little delicate face contort itself in disappointment.

As long as Jongin is forever with him to do all these things, Kyungsoo knows he will be happy.

And since wishing for all that would probably take too long, he just lets the boy's name fill his mind. Surely, the higher power who makes birthday's wishes come true will understand.

Jongin squeezes his hand and Kyungsoo hears the boy call his name. He turns his head to look at him. Jongin's eyelids are still shut, though. And Kyungsoo lightly smile as he understands. Jongin did the same wish.

He squeezes Jongin's hand back, softly, and the boy opens his eyes.

Then they blow the candles and the room goes dark again.

 

҉

 

_**May 19 th, 2001** _

  
Flash of light.

Eight years old Kyungsoo closes his eyes. Then opens them again.

As he stands on stage in his green costume, the sharp white follow-light suddenly beaming down on him, he tries his best to stay focused.

" _Tinkerbell ? Tink’ ? Where are you ?_ " he recites, making sure to speak loud enough so even the people on the back of the theater will hear him.

He looks around, exaggerating his every move like his teacher repeatedly told him to – he still thinks she is taking that school play way too seriously, though –, until Eunji trots to stand next to him in her adorable short minty dress, golden wings flapping on her back creating little shiny reflection dots on Kyungsoo's figure as the glitters on them catch the light.

He can hear all the students' parents in the audience cooing at them as they trot around the stage just the way they have rehearsed a hundred times before.

The scene goes on, Gongchan deciding to improvise a little in his black spandex fullbody costume as he plays Peter Pan's shadow and Kyungsoo has to force himself to swallow the laugh bubbling in his throat when he sees the boy dancing around an equally amused Seulgi gracefully playing Wendy.

Just as the scene is about to end he catches Jongin, who plays Nana and looks awfully cute in his dog onesie, fluffy droopy ears on each side of his head, stepping up on stage and rushing to Kyungsoo's side. The boy gently pokes Kyungsoo's arm until the older boy turns his gaze towards him.

Jongin's hand gently grabs Kyungsoo's as their eyes lock and everything around seems to turn silent. Kyungsoo can't hear the twinkly music anymore, or the claps from the audience. All he can see is the way Jongin's orbs shine, even in the dim light as the stage goes progressively dark.

" _Did the light hurt your eyes ?_ " he asks, worry clearly showing in his irises.

Kyungsoo looks at him, smiling, and shakes his head.

He knows Jongin isn't supposed to be on stage right now, and their teacher will probably sternly scold the two boys later, but he doesn't really care. What matters now is to make sure the distress in Jongin's gaze disappears. The boy has probably been impatiently waiting to ask him that since he saw Kyungsoo flinch under the bright spotlight.

It's okay. Nana can come to Neverland with Peter too, right ?

If he could go to Neverland himself, Kyungsoo knows he would definitely take Jongin with him anyway. They can be lost boys together.

 

҉

 

_**October 18 th, 2005 – Seoul International Fireworks Festival** _

  
Flash of light.

Twelve years old Kyungsoo shuts his eyes. Then opens them again.

The deafening sound of the fireworks echoes in Kyungsoo's head, his eardrums vibrating in rhythm with the next loud bangs coming from the sky, following the first explosion that made him flinch.

He blinks a few times before drawing his attention back to the dark sea above the cramped crowd, glistening with a myriad of flowers made of vibrant colored fire. He has always loved fireworks. He loves feeling his chest pulse with each detonation. Loves how the navy-blue sky suddenly turns into a huge canvas, pyrotechnicians becoming painters telling a story in bright incandescent shapes, some flying up in a straight line before exploding into thousands of radiant petals, others whirling in long spirals, crackling as they go up, up, up, before falling back down and turning into a blazing waterfall. Kyungsoo loves the scintillating masterpiece hovering over the amazed crowd.

He smiles brightly, eyes still fixed on the dazzling sky, when he suddenly feels a hand delicately touching his elbow. He turns his head to his right and finds Jongin's intense gaze focused on him.  
Kyungsoo tilts his head, a gentle smile on his lips as he wait for Jongin to speak, since the younger boy looks like he want to say something.

" _The fireworks aren't hurting your eyes too much, are they ?_ "

Kyungsoo stays still for a few seconds, not answering. He feels the hand on his arm tightening slightly its grip, urging him to ease the concern flooding Jongin's mind.

He knows Jongin loves fireworks too. Probably just as much as Kyungsoo likes them.

But every year, Jongin stops watching the pretty show in favor of making sure the bright flashes of light are not hurting his best friend's eyes. He looks fine with missing how the sky shimmers as long as he can check if Kyungsoo is all right.

So Kyungsoo's smile widens a bit as he nods slowly and answers a quiet " _I'm alright_ " that Jongin reads on his lips, his voice covered by the roaring noises coming from above. Jongin smiles back and his hand slides along Kyungsoo's forearm until the younger boy intertwines their fingers together as he lifts his head and goes back to enjoying the show.

Kyungsoo could do the same. He really, really loves fireworks.

But what he loves even more, is watching Jongin's face shinning under the burning blossoms blooming in the sky. He loves how the colorful lights glow on Jongin's golden skin. Blues, pinks, greens and reds glimmering on his soft face, painting dreamy rainbows on his delicate features. He loves the way the sparkling flowers reflects in his irises. If you ask him, Kyungsoo would tell you the fireworks are way prettier in Jongin's dark orbs than they are in the sky.

Because in Kyungsoo's mind, Jongin is a lot like fireworks.

He is just as fascinating as the twinkling flares floating in the night sky. He is full of surprises, loud and intriguing. He brings colors and light in Kyungsoo's life. And he makes Kyungsoo's chest throb in rhythm with each of his breathtaking smile.

So Kyungsoo keeps his eyes on his best friend, holding his hand a little tighter as he watches Jongin's delighted expression radiate under the kaleidoscopic  explosions.

 

҉

 

_**June 22th, 2011** _

  
Flash of light.

Eighteen years old Kyungsoo closes his eyes quickly. Then opens them again.

The frowns on Jongin's mom's face has him uttering a little " _sorry_ " as his lips tighten in an apologetic smile before he focuses his eyes back on the camera she is holding. He feels the arm around his waist tense its grip on him and bringing him even closer to the warm body standing by his side. Mrs. Kim points the device at him and Jongin once again, adjusting the lens' focus and giving him a brief warning look. She definitely won't let Kyungsoo's graduation day's pictures display her passed away friend's son with his eyes closed.

He smiles a little brighter when he feels Jongin's forehead touching his temple as the younger boy's hand curls a little more around Kyungsoo's abdomen.

Jongin only allowed his mom to take photos of Kyungsoo alone at the condition she first takes some of the two of them. Not having the heart of refusing such an adorable request – and probably because she knows her seventeen years old son is likely to throw a tantrum if she says no – she takes a few more pictures of the boys pressed together.

Kyungsoo is silently happy she agreed. He knew she would. She usually avoids going against her son's wishes when it comes to Kyungsoo.

After the older boy's parents died five years earlier, Jongin's mom had made sure authorities would place Kyungsoo into her family's care and had raised him like her own son since then. And to this day, Kyungsoo was still trying to find ways to show her and her husband how thankful he was for that.

Being constantly with Jongin had been immensely helping him during the long time that lasted the mourning process. It took a few years, but he managed to find a balance in his life again, despite his parents being gone. The endless attention Jongin was showering him with, comforting and supporting Kyungsoo no matter what, had allowed him to heal his broken heart.

They had started dating – or at least their friends started calling that 'dating' – a couple of years earlier. In Kyungsoo's mind, they kind of always have been dating. It just took a more sensual path a few years back.

The older boy doesn't exactly remember when it exactly happened. Neither does Jongin. It just happened. One day they were kissing, because that was what felt natural at that moment. None of them had questioned it. Being with each other was just as easy as breathing. Or as Jongin had voiced it once, being with each other was the only way for the both of them to keep breathing.

Kyungsoo doesn't know if he is gay, or bi, or whatever label people could put on it. He never felt attracted to anyone beside Jongin. And if he has to be honest, he doesn't really feel the need to put a name on what he is or isn't. He just knows he is in love Jongin. This is more than enough for him.

He feels lips delicately placing a peck right above his eyebrow and the arm on his waist is gone as Jongin draws back a little, his other hand gently brushing Kyungsoo's cheek to make him look up.

" _Did it hurt your eyes ? The camera's flash I mean._ " Jongin asks seriously, staring into Kyungsoo's eyes to make sure he won't lie just to prevent him from worrying.

Kyungsoo softly smiles at him and shakes his head.

He still finds it amusing that the warning Kyungsoo's dad gave Jongin when the three years old boy had accidentally pointed a flashlight towards Kyungsoo's face is still stuck in the younger male's head. Kyungsoo's dad had used children's words to gently explain to a crying Jongin – a result of seeing Kyungsoo sobbing, clutching at his eyes in his mom's embrace – that his best friend's retinas were sensible to bright flashes of light and that he had to be really careful about it. And Jongin had been very diligent in respecting the rule since that day. Watching Kyungsoo's tears rolling on his chubby cheeks because of something _he_ had done had been painful and unbearable enough once. Tiny Jongin already knew back then he didn't want to witness it ever again.

Kyungsoo can see in his boyfriend's orbs that he isn't fully convinced by his answer, though. His eyes seems to ask him " _Are you sure ?_ ".  
Kyungsoo hates that troubled look in the younger male's irises. He hates making Jongin worry about him. He wants to see him smile again.

So he places his hand on Jongin's forearm and calmly lifts himself up, tiptoeing until his plump lips are brushing against Jongin's. He stays like this for a few seconds, not really kissing him, just letting his lips tenderly graze against his boyfriend's soft ones, their breaths airily melding in the middle.

Jongin has closed his eyes, and Kyungsoo takes a little longer to enjoy the way the young man's eyelashes are casting tiny little dark shadows on his high cheekbones, before his eyelids fall shut too.

He leans in, just a bit, a ridiculous millimeter forward, and whispers a quiet " _Yes, I'm sure_ " before finally pressing against his boyfriend's mouth. He feels Jongin's lips stretch into a little smile, just for a second, then the boy is kissing back, his hand still on Kyungsoo's cheek as his other arms goes back to curling around the smaller's waist.

None of them hear Jongin's mom amused groan as she asks them to separate for a moment, so she can at least take one picture of Kyungsoo alone.

But it's okay. He doesn't really need a picture of himself standing on his own anyway. Jongin is just as much a part of himself as he is a part of Jongin. What would he even do with a photo displaying only half of himself.

 

҉

 

_**February 6 th, 2013 ** _

  
Flash of light.

Twenty years old Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. Then opens them again.

Next to him, Jongin is holding a lit match between his fingers and looking at him with worried eyes.

A few minutes ago, the last Nine Muses song was playing on the radio and Kyungsoo was happily humming along while slicing the mushrooms he was planning on adding to the stew he was cooking for dinner, when the room suddenly went completely black and dead silent. He flinched in surprise and a second later he lets out a cry of pain when he felt a sharp twinge of pain running through his left index finger, the knife he was using sinking into his flesh.

He heard Jongin's hurried footstep quickly getting closer from the living room to the kitchen. A hand brushed his nape for a second, as if to say " _Don't worry, I'm here_ ", then the warm contact disappeared and for a minute, all Kyungsoo could hear in the dark room were drawers being opened and closed, before His boyfriend let out a cute " _ha !_ ". More footstep, closer again, a scratchy sound, and a flash of light forcing him to close his eyelids. Jongin is always prepared for anything, including black outs.

He lets his retinas adjust to the little fire burning in Jongin's hand, noticing the candle his lover put on the counter, before looking up.

Jongin's eyes are still on him, a troubled spark burning in them that has nothing to do with the flame in his fingers. So Kyungsoo takes the match from him and lights the little candle wick before the younger male burns himself as he stays still and keeps on staring at Kyungsoo.

Once he is done, Kyungsoo blows on the match and lets it fall next to the candle before looking back up at his boyfriend. Jongin's eyes are still fiercely focused on his face, frown accentuated by the warm glow of the candle casting deep trembling shadows on his perfect face.

Kyungsoo knows what is going on in his head. Jongin is probably cursing himself right now. He probably thinks he was the one hurting Kyungsoo, despite promising himself he would never do that.

The older male reaches out and gently places the back of his hand against Jongin's cheek, who quivers and shakily inhales in return. The boy's hand goes up and he instantly intertwines their fingers the second they touch, pressing Kyungsoo warm skin against his cheekbone, leaning into the caress. Then his other hand comes cupping Kyungsoo's face, thumb airily brushing the corner of his round eye, slowly, as if he was scared the skin would tear if he applied more than a featherly pressure on it.

They stay like that, barely moving, during long minutes, as the candle light flickers in rhythm with their synchronized heartbeats. Kyungsoo watches the little flame reflection getting brighter and brighter in Jongin's eyes as they fill up with repressed tears, faltering breath coming in and out of his lips.

And his boyfriend's voice wobbles and cracks when he finally whispers, his grip on Kyungsoo's hand getting stronger.

" _Did I hurt you ? Baby, did I hurt your eyes ?_ "

Kyungsoo smiles and faintly shakes his head.

His free hand takes a grip of Jongin's shirt and he pulls the taller man against his own body, tiptoeing as Jongin bends a bit. Their eyes close as their lips meet in the middle in a slow and tender kiss, brushing between hot breath.

" _No, you didn't_."

Kyungsoo's reply is quickly followed by another kiss, and he can feel Jongin's lips smile against his as a warm hand slides from his cheek to his nape, caressing the tiny baby hairs here and sending goosebumps all along his spine.

Kyungsoo draws back for a second, chuckling at the tiny sound of protest Jongin lets out, before he swiftly blows on the candle. Not even a full second after the rooms turns black again, hands are gripping his waist and pulling him until he collides against his lover's body and he barely has time to lock his arms around Jongin's neck before his boyfriend plunges forward and claims his lips once again.

Who cares if he is smearing blood all over Jongin's neck with his cut finger. He knows his lover will be more than happy to invite him in the shower to help him clean up the mess. But later. His hands are busy right now.

 

҉

 

_**August 12 th, 2015** _

  
Flash of light.

Twenty-two years old Kyungsoo closes his eyes. Then opens them again.

He feels like his head is spinning. Or maybe his whole body is. He isn't sure. Everything is blurry around him since that other car's headlights burned his eyes a few seconds ago.

Then the spinning stops, and his eyes can focus again.

He doesn't really get how everything can change so quickly. It's almost funny.

Almost.

One second, he is tearing up, laughing hard as Jongin attempt to reach the high note they can hear in the love song playing on their car's radio. The next moment, all he can hear is metal crushing. Or he thinks it's metal.

It could also be the sound of Jongin's skull unforgivingly crashing against the steering wheel. Once again, Kyungsoo isn't entirely sure.

All he knows is that Jongin's angelic face is covered in sticky burgundy liquid. And it reminds him of the strawberry jam the younger put on his toast that morning, at breakfast.  
Kyungsoo hates that jam. But his boyfriend really likes it. The brand is ridiculously expensive, though. So Kyungsoo has taken the habit of purposefully forgetting to buy the apricot jam he himself likes, just to be sure they can afford the strawberry one. And it's okay. He is fine with putting just plain butter on his toasts if it means he can see Jongin's delighted face every morning as they eat their breakfast.

Kyungsoo doesn't move. His whole body is numb. The pang in his chest could be the result of his eyes staring into Jongin's lifeless-looking ones.  Or it might be because of the seatbelt cutting through his skin and crushing his rib cage. That could also explain why it feels hard to breathe. Or maybe that could be because he notices the way Jongin's left temple looks way too curved in.

He is still unsure.

So he just stays still. His left hand is still being mashed by Jongin's right one. Either because Jongin is still squeezing it. Or maybe just because the dashboard has collapsed and crushed their intertwined fingers.

He doesn't look down to check.

He keeps staring into Jongin's eyes. If he tunes everything else out, he could almost see him looking back.

Maybe he is.

Maybe Jongin is just waiting for Kyungsoo to say something. To tell him his eyes are okay despite the flash from the other car's headlights when it suddenly drove right in front of them. Or maybe to crack a joke about how off tune that high note was.

And Kyungsoo almost does.

But before he can open his mouth, he hears chanting sirens.

Forget the joke. He should tell Jongin to park the car off on the side of the road to let the ambulance pass. He is pretty sure their car stopped in the middle of the road. Surely, they are disturbing the circulation. And if the sirens are on, it means the ambulance must quickly reach its destination. Who knows, maybe a little girl fell and broke her arm, like Jongin did when he was six. Kyungsoo remembers holding Jongin's unharmed hand while the doctors were placing a cast around the younger's elbow. He hopes the little girl has a friend with her to comfort her.

The sirens piercing notes hurt his eardrums as they seem to stop right near them.

He knew their car was blocking the way.

He can hear someone shouting in a strong voice. He isn't sure what the man is saying, the words are somehow muffled from inside the car.

Then everything seems to be moving and he head starts spinning again. More shouting. A female voice asking if anyone can hear her. It takes a good thirty seconds for Kyungsoo to understand she is talking to them. He wants to reply, but he feels dizzy.

The woman is telling him to stay still, explaining they will help him.

He has half in mind to tell them to go help that little girl first. But he decides Jongin might need a little help too. Maybe they have a band-aid to put on his temple. The blood won't stop flowing from there. Maybe some antiseptic before. One that doesn't sting.

Kyungsoo feels the car being pushed and pulled, as if someone was trying to jerk a locked door open. There are roaring noises all around, and the woman is still trying to explain to him what they are doing.

Kyungsoo doesn't hear, though. The sounds around him start fading as his ears pop. Black spots are dancing in his vision, looking like little bugs running on Jongin's peaceful face. Jongin doesn't like bugs. Why isn't he freaking out as he always does when a bee flies around him ? Kyungsoo wants to swap them off his boyfriend's face, but his body won't respond. His skin is clammy, and it feels like his blood is rushing out of his head. He hopes he won't throw up. Jongin will not be pleased if he ends up with digested tteokbokki on his car's seat.

As darkness starts to cloud his eyes, he sees Jongin finally moving. Away from him. Their fingers are disentangled. He feels so tired.

Jongin's bloody hand falls limply near the gear stick. That's when Kyungsoo realizes he is the one moving away. Or being moved away. Someone is extricating him from what is left of the crushed car.

He watches Jongin's figure blur, then the world turns black.

 

҉

 

_**March 24 th, 2016** _

  
Flash of light.

Twenty-three years old Kyungsoo closes his eyes. Then opens them again.

In the gloomy afternoon, his black umbrella does little to nothing to shield him from the heavy downpour falling from the sky, clouds gathering in a dark grey blanket over the city as they open their flood-gates. Heavy damp swirls of wind mercilessly spin around him, viciously licking his already dripping face. His old sneakers are soaked, sinking in the soggy grass he stands on, his pale blue jeans turning as dark as his navy-colored hoodie with each raindrop ruthlessly hitting his body.

Kyungsoo doesn't mind.

He doesn't care.

Not anymore.

Thunder menacingly roars only two seconds later. The storm should be right above him very soon.

" _You're gonna catch a cold_ " he hears Jongin's soft low voice say in his head.

Kyungsoo gently scoffs. Jongin is probably getting drenched too. There is no way the top of his coffin is waterproof. It's so tiny.

He frowns.

Jongin doesn't like being cold. Kyungsoo is usually the one warming him up when he comes home rain-soaked, with hot chocolate, warm towels and cuddles, sometimes for hours, until Jongin's body stops shivering.

Or he was.

He isn't.

Not anymore.

Lightning strikes again, thunder alarmingly follows almost instantly, even louder than it was before. Kyungsoo's chest vibrates in rhythm with the growling-bass sound.

He knows he should leave. Not that he has anyone to go back home to anymore. And not that he really care about actually getting sick.

But he has something important to do. And there is absolutely no reason or need postponing it.

Kyungsoo sighs and let his eyes wonder around him. He feels so alone. All those silent people around him, most of them just faceless names standing on the eerie hill, are doing absolutely nothing to fill the emptiness he feels deep inside of him. His whole body feels like a bare empty shell, devoid of any spark of life a murky shadow would've hungrily swallowed. Even Jongin, so near yet so far, despite being a mere three feet in front of Kyungsoo, stays just as sinisterly silent as everyone else, smile and gentle eyes brightening up his face in an unalterable and frozen look that is not reserved only for Kyungsoo anymore.

Kyungsoo tiredly smiles back at him.

" _I'm sorry._ " he whispers, only for the strong howling wind to hear.

Then he turns away and slowly starts walking down the hill.

When he reaches home, Kyungsoo doesn't bother switching the lights on. He makes a bee-line to their bedroom, his bedroom, and sits on the edge of the bouncy mattress, delicately putting down his backpack next to him.

He vaguely considers changing his wet clothes, eyeing the dark puddle they're creating on the white blanket but finally decides against it. It won't matter anymore in a moment. And Jongin has always loved when Kyungsoo was wearing that hoodie anyway.

He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes when a strike of lighting illuminates the ghostly dark room through the curtainless window.

" _Did that hurt your eyes ?_ '

Jongin's voice is everywhere.

Around him.

In the room, in the air. In the wind, in the thunder.

Inside him.

In his ears, in his head.

In his heart.

In his blood.

Filling the silence with warm and deep notes, soothing Kyungsoo's mind.

And Kyungsoo can see his gorgeous face behind his closed eyelid. He's burned into his mind, sculpted in every fiber of his body, engraved in every breath coming in and out of his cold lips.

Everyone always wondered why they would rarely took pictures together.

The truth is, they didn't need any.

Why would they, when they were irreversibly carved into each other's skin.

This is why Kyungsoo hates that picture. The one Jongin's parents decided to display on the boy's grave. The one he was looking at less than an hour ago. God, how Kyungsoo hates that picture. That artificial smile stretching Jongin's perfect face, the one he makes when someone asks him to pose for the camera. This isn't Jongin. Jongin's real smile is the one he gives Kyungsoo when the older tells him he cooked his favorite meal for dinner. His real smile is the one Kyungsoo can witness when he hears Jongin's _I love you_ ’s in the comfort of their bed.

Kyungsoo hates that picture. He wishes they would've chosen another one. Even if a photo of Jongin alone was even harder to find than one of the both of them together.

He wasn't even able to attend Jongin's funeral, still in his induced coma the doctors had to put him in to help his injuries getting better, or whatever shitty medical stuff his surgeon had tried to feed him to explain why he couldn't be present to bury the love of his life deep, deep, deep in the muddy ground.

It's actually funny how quickly his wounds from the accident had healed. A mere few weeks and he was ready to go home. But that tiny paper cut he got a week before the car crash, when Jongin and he decided to make paper planes at 3am and started a contest in their living room to see who could make one fly the farthest, that little cut, on the tip of his right index finger, it took months to close itself, itching more than a bug bite would, day after day.

Slowly, Kyungsoo reaches inside his backpack, roaming around for a few seconds before he finally clasps his fingers around the cold grip.

There's nothing glamourous about what he is about to do. Nothing Romeo and Juliet-esc. Kyungsoo has always hated that book anyway. It's just a creepy story about a fourteen years old girl and an eighteen years old guy falling in what they think is love and ending up dead three days after because of some twisted fight between their family.

" _It's romantic_ ", Jongin used to say.

Kyungsoo thinks it's just stupid and unrealistic.

And it can't compare to what he and Jongin have.

Or what they had.

No. What they _have_.

It still feels just as real for Kyungsoo. He can still feel Jongin's fingers leaving burning lines everywhere on his skin. He can still hear his voice as the boy breathes out his name in ecstasy.

But Kyungsoo is afraid. He doesn't want to forget. Even if he knows, deep down inside, that he won't. He is still scared.

It's irrational. He can't even explain it. How he still feels like Jongin is right here, next to him. But how sometimes, when Kyungsoo tries to remember tiny things, he finds his mind going blank.

The exact color of Jongin's eyes. The little sounds he made when Kyungsoo kisses his collarbone. The weight of his head on Kyungsoo's lap when he took a nap every Sunday afternoon. The accurate spots of the two moles Jongin had on the left side of his stomach. Or even just the sound of his heartbeat.

He needs Jongin to remind him all of that.

So he carefully takes his hand out of his backpack, grip still tight, and lifts it next to his face as his thumb pushes the hammer down.

Behind his eyelids, he can see Jongin smiling brightly at him as he opens his arms, inviting.

Kyungsoo smiles back at him.

And his index pulls the trigger.

 

Flash of light.

The handgun-ignited spark glows in the dark room, illuminating Kyungsoo's temple for a short second, a loud bang echoing, sound bouncing against the walls and filling the silence for a few seconds.

The smell of powdered smoke heavily overwhelms the air, gliding against the bedsheets and replacing the faint scent of Jongin's shampoo that still lingers on his pillowcase even after all these months. The airy white swirls dance around the boy's body as his head collides silently with the blanket, a light rebound causing his hair to fall on his forehead. Jongin always liked sleeping on a bouncy mattress.

Kyungsoo closes his eyes.

And never opens them again.

**Author's Note:**

> Just in case : I am not, by any mean, trying to romanticize suicide here. It is a very sensible and serious topic, not something to take lightly.


End file.
